There’s a lot of buzz on the internet these days about people being pissed off because they’ve come to discover that their favorite blogger/Instagrammer/Pinterester isn’t who they thought they were. Readers are suddenly finding out that their favorite bloggers are getting divorced despite all the happy posts. So and so’s hair doesn’t always look perfect. The mom they thought was so excellent accidentally left her kid in the shopping cart while she went to the bathroom. And so on…

I read an interesting post urging people to connect with each other instead of comparing. We should reach out to people and actually get to know each other. I’m not sure that goes far enough. It’s treating symptoms and not the disease.

I don’t hide much about my life when I blog. Everyone who’s read this blog once or twice knows that I’ve struggled with body image issues. I stopped hiding my abusive relationship through my blog. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. 

I do realize that I’m a lot more open than most people. Not everyone wants to or can share the kinds of things I do about my life. And that’s okay. I’m sure restraint would be a benefit to my life every now and then. I do it because I think it helps me feel less alone in my battles and from feedback I’ve gotten, it helps others feel less alone too. 

But connecting with others on a deeper level isn’t enough. We need to take a better look at ourselves and our lives and deal with our own feelings of inferiority. Until we do that, even when people reach out to share good things about their lives in an honest way, we will still compare what we don’t have to what they do have. 

If we all shared something we struggle with, something we fear, we’d find more humanity and connection than we ever would with sharing some honestly good news or information. Admitting vulnerability and finding we have support from those in our lives is one of the most freeing things in life. No one gets anywhere on their own, but we can never truly receive the help we need if we don’t first admit where we are weak.

One thing we all have in common is that none of us is perfect. Once we accept that in ourselves and allow others the room to as well, without judgment, we will be free to find our true selves and true destinies. 

I’m not really not one for following directions. I do things my own way, quite happily… until something goes wrong that is.

For Valentine’s Day I received something I’ve wanted for a long time, a mandoline. No, not the instrument (that’s a mandolin). A mandoline is used to slice potatoes, tomatoes, and other things, into slices or different shapes. I’d read a recipe for baking potato chips at home and thought it sounded like fun. The problem is that when you do it with a knife, it’s hard to slice them thin enough. Enter the mandoline.

The thing about mandolines is that they are exceedingly sharp. It’s completely necessary if they’re going to do what they set out to do. The mandoline comes with a piece you put on top of whatever you’re slicing, so your fingers stay clear of the ultra-sharp blade.

A friend pointed out that I should get a glove as well. They’re thick and you can’t slice yourself open. I thought they looked cool, but that I wouldn’t really need one. Turns out I was wrong.

Because here’s the thing, I’m a hard learner. They have obviously designed the machine and warnings the way they have because someone ALREADY hurt themselves. But I am sure that I know better and that I never screw up anything.

I got to the end of the potato and there was still some left to slice. But I couldn’t get at it using the piece that holds the potato. So I took it off and went back ti slicing… exactly how they tell you not to.

I‘m having a nice conversation when I all of a sudden felt intense pain. I looked down and my finger was just gushing blood. GUSHING. 

The piece I’d slice off was laying nicely under the mandoline. Someone suggested they might be able to reattach it, so we gathered it up, put it in a bag with ice and went to the ER. 

And the ER personnel looked at me like I was nuts. They said the only thing they could do was wrap it up. They told me to keep it moist and have someone check it in a couple days. 

Now, a few days out, my finger is in a tiny pink cast, I manage to hit it on everything, and am in pain regularly. Brilliant.

Maybe next time something comes up I’ll follow the instructions. 

But probably not.

I went to see Wicked yesterday, and while eating before the show, I was chatting with a friend about her daughter’s trip to Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras doesn’t appeal to me and I mentioned that. My friend said that it had been on her daughter’s bucket list forever to go to Mardi Gras after she graduated college, and she’d been planning and saving for years.

And that’s when I realized…I don’t HAVE a bucket list! But I know there are things I want to do. LOADS of them. So here is my bucket list:

TRAVEL

1. Ireland (again)
2. England
3. Scotland (Or Scotchland, if you prefer)
4. Wales (Not Whales, as I’ve seen it written elsewhere)
5. Germany (The land of my mother’s people)
6. Spain
7. Paris
8. Australia
9. I’m sure there are more. This is a good start.

THEME PARKS (a little like travel, but not quite)

1. Cedar Point (OH)
2. Disneyland (CA)
3. King’s Island (OH)
4. Six Flags Great Adventure (NJ)
5. Six Flags Over Texass (TX)
6. Six Flags Magic Mountain (CA)
7. King’s Dominion (VA)
8. Six Flag’s Great America (IL)
9. Six Flags St. Louis (MO)
10. Flamingoland (England)
11. Warner Bros. Movie Land (Australia)

DO

1. Publish a book
2. Start my own business
3. Complete a 5K
4. Complete a half-marathon
5. Complete a marathon (all of these are made challenging because I don’t run)
6. Involvement in a non-profit
7. Complete my manifesto
8. Watch everything on the AFI Top 100 Movies list.

And since I’m on this path, let’s talk about some less intense goals…

HEALTH & WELLNESS

1. Get back into fighting weight
2. Develop some kind of regular exercise program and maintain it for 6 3 months (Let’s be real)
3. Meet my daily vegetable/fruit intakes for 6 3 months (Again, let’s be real)

WRITING

1. Develop a blog update schedule and stick with it for 3 months
2. Write something to contribute to Quarters Magazine
3. Daily journal writing

PERSONAL

1. Send regular notes to friends/family for one year
2. Thankful Thursdays for one year
3. Stay emotionally balanced regardless of circumstances
4. Quiet time every day for at least 5 minutes (hopefully slowly adding more time)
5. Find new music. Art is love people
6. Stay crafty - cards, presents, etc

OTHER

1. Take at least one photo every day

Thing I hate #357 - Accidentally watching a show that makes you want to gouge your eyes out while waiting for your show to come on.

I don’t have any idea what I was actually trying to watch anymore, it obviously wasn’t that good. What I didn’t want to watch? The Bachelor.

And maybe I don’t understand the show. One guy. Many women. Competing for his love (read: fame). If she wins, she gets what? Maybe a ring and an unhappy marriage, with tabloids following her forever as her life spirals out of control and she winds up at the Betty Ford clinic after her depression becomes so overwhelming that she turns to her friends alcohol and cocaine? SIGN. ME. UP.

Disney movies that give you unrealistic expectations are one thing. It’s a girl falling in love with a monster, a mermaid falling in love with a man, or a woman getting whisked away on a magic carpet ride (though if we’re speaking of a drug-induced ride that’s a different story). It’s OBVIOUSLY not real. No one has eyes that big and wide (except maybe Olivia Wilde). 

It’s different when you see real people acting this way. And I suppose it’s fair, since I think we all know a few women or men who find love in 2 months or less and are totally stoked about being with a person who’s been hooking up with at least 10 other people at the same time. 

Sounds like true love to me.

Saw this somewhere else, thought it looked fun.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Drove across the country. Moved from Seattle, WA to West Palm Beach, Florida, decided to drive. Five days, 2 people, 1 guinea pig. Surprisingly good times.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Not really. Of course, I can’t really remember what they were.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not that I know of. If you did, and I missed it, sorry. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my stepfather. And it sucked. A lot. And you know what? It STILL sucks.

5. What countries did you visit?

No visits this year, unless you count Texas as a country all its own. And you know, it just might be…

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Direction.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 25. Pretty sure I watched my stepfather die. Not really something you forget.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I kept shit going after my stepfather died. Wasn’t easy.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Letting myself get caught up in expectations.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My back is a perpetual shitshow and now my shoulder’s joining in. Awesome.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A new (to me) car. William Christopher (my Mustang) and I have been together for over 11 years. It’s just time for me to move on.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Pretty sure this makes me an asshole, but…mine. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one got me both appalled AND outraged.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Hookers and blow. Or, you know, STUDENT LOANS.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Moving back to FL. Oh wait, the question wasn’t about what I was NOT AT ALL excited about. Cross-country road trip with my friend. We didn’t kill each other or even come close.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Anything for You, Ludo.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Told people I loved them.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Expected things.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With family. Missing friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Revenge.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate’s a waste of energy.

24. What was the best book you read?

Shitty Novel by Lyndsy Dailey.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

fun, Calvin Harris.

26. What did you want and get?

A bigger bed.

27. What did you want and not get?

Hope and happiness.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Pitch Perfect.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Bwahahaha, I’m 31. I keep forgetting how old I am and telling people I’m 30! A good friend of mine came in from Tex-ass and another local friend joined us for lunch, a Gator football game (GO GATORS!) and a movie.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Losing my desire to give up on certain things.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Lazy.

32. What kept you sane?

Peanut butter M&Ms, sleep, and my own will to keep what sanity I have left.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None, I don’t think.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Marriage equality.

35. Who did you miss?

My college self. She was a lot more fun and a lot more hopeful.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

A friend of a friend who’s got a lot of great ideas and who makes me think about shit.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

Death happens but life goes on, and that’s kind of a bitch.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

She said I think I’ll go to Boston…
I think I’ll start a new life,
I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name,
…

I think that I’m just tired

I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but I feel like it does. We reach a point in our lives when we’ve traveled down a long path and we come to a precipice. We look down and we can’t see the bottom. We have no idea how deep it is or what’s lurking there, waiting to destroy us. 

As with many times in life, we have a choice: We can return down the path we’ve just traveled. It’s familiar and while it may not be easy, we know it and believe we know the dangers that lie ahead. Or you can choose to leap into the darkness. 

These points are the big moments in our lives. Almost nothing we do can’t be undone, but we go into them expecting a lifelong commitment. I think of a novitiate who is preparing to take final vows. Or marriage (for some people). A demanding career.  

Sometimes it takes us a while to decide what to do. We wrestle with fears that have consumed us our entire lives. Fears that prevent us from seeing who we truly are and what we can accomplish. 

But at some point, the choice is made. Or so you thought.

Because the interesting thing is that if you choose to return down the path that brought you there, you will often end up facing the precipice again. If you haven’t honestly evaluated yourself and dealt with your fears, you will once again come before that darkness.

The precipice wouldn’t be before you if you weren’t meant to see it. It’s been there the whole time, waiting for you to become YOU. That’s the beauty of the precipice. It has faith in you, in your ability to conquer your fears and realize your true potential. It appears when you’re ready.

But you have to do the work. You have to dig deep and come to terms with your true self. If you do that, you’ll discover when you leap, that you can fly.